Believe - BJ Prime Minister-to-be Boris Johnson has been accused of rape after a long-term abuse scandal erupted this morning. Speaking from a witness protection house somewhere in Sweden, Truth said that Mr Johnson had begun assaulting her as early as 1970, when he was just 6 years old. “He would take a lit match and push it into the bottom of his horse before claiming someone else did it” recalled Ms Truth, speaking exclusively to the very news rag that you’re reading right now. “It was also well known that after a (fox) hunt, he would claim that he had been the one that landed the killing bite, though it was clearly one of the hounds.” Giselle Truth was in a sorry state as she reported what followed. “When he graduated from Oxford it seemed a natural career for him to become some kind of street urchin, but in fact he went into journalism. The worst thing is, many people knew what kind of person he was; he was even fired from the [sic] Crimes (Times)” “He made up some quotes...
"I hate the Irish" - Queen Speaking to a group of pissed up Scots outside her summer lodgings at Balmoral Castle, the Queen made the highly anticipated announcement that she will fight Conor McGregor on a fishing vessel somewhere off the coast of the Island of Mull. The Queen stated, in the antagonistic fashion for which she has become well known in recent years, ‘In order to preserve the integrity of the great nation of the United Kingdom, I, big Liz, will kick that little gypo’s cunt in’. The announcement was met with delight by ESPN who will host the fight, which will be broadcast live in the main square of European capital cities on the 2nd of August. The fight is billed to start at 0300 GMT and will last for 12 rounds, or as her Maj put it, until McGregor surrenders on behalf of the Irish and the European Union. The Queen, who has been training in secret for the fight, stated that she was well prepared for the ordeal, and had little doubt that she would stop McGregor...