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Queen to fight McGregor in bid to settle Irish border question

"I hate the Irish" - Queen
Speaking to a group of pissed up Scots outside her summer lodgings at Balmoral Castle, the Queen made the highly anticipated announcement that she will fight Conor McGregor on a fishing vessel somewhere off the coast of the Island of Mull.

The Queen stated, in the antagonistic fashion for which she has become well known in recent years, ‘In order to preserve the integrity of the great nation of the United Kingdom, I, big Liz, will kick that little gypo’s cunt in’.

The announcement was met with delight by ESPN who will host the fight, which will be broadcast live in the main square of European capital cities on the 2nd of August. The fight is billed to start at 0300 GMT and will last for 12 rounds, or as her Maj put it, until McGregor surrenders on behalf of the Irish and the European Union.

The Queen, who has been training in secret for the fight, stated that she was well prepared for the ordeal, and had little doubt that she would stop McGregor within the first 3 rounds. She indicated that the fight may be allowed to continue by referee for up to 3 further rounds after McGregor’s surrender, in order to allow the Queen and other members of the Royal Family to ‘get their own back for 1921’.

At the same press conference, it was confirmed that Princess Diana would be dug up and stuffed, in order to be the stage girl for the event. When asked about the decision, Her Mum the Queen stated ‘Let’s put those rumours to bed shall we?’

It was separately reported that Boris Johnson MP had requested to be involved in the Queen’s training, but was disqualified after failing to prove that he could incapacitate lover Carrie Symonds in the time-frame provided to him by the Queen’s advisors. Mr Johnson was later seen beating a large prostitute outside the Queen’s whitechapel flat, in an apparent attempt to further prove himself.

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