Cuntswipe

Believe - BJ Prime Minister-to-be Boris Johnson has been accused of rape after a long-term abuse scandal erupted this morning. Speaking from a witness protection house somewhere in Sweden, Truth said that Mr Johnson had begun assaulting her as early as 1970, when he was just 6 years old. “He would take a lit match and push it into the bottom of his horse before claiming someone else did it” recalled Ms Truth, speaking exclusively to the very news rag that you’re reading right now. “It was also well known that after a (fox) hunt, he would claim that he had been the one that landed the killing bite, though it was clearly one of the hounds.” Giselle Truth was in a sorry state as she reported what followed. “When he graduated from Oxford it seemed a natural career for him to become some kind of street urchin, but in fact he went into journalism. The worst thing is, many people knew what kind of person he was; he was even fired from the [sic] Crimes (Times)” “He made up some quotes...

"I hate the Irish" - Queen Speaking to a group of pissed up Scots outside her summer lodgings at Balmoral Castle, the Queen made the highly anticipated announcement that she will fight Conor McGregor on a fishing vessel somewhere off the coast of the Island of Mull. The Queen stated, in the antagonistic fashion for which she has become well known in recent years, ‘In order to preserve the integrity of the great nation of the United Kingdom, I, big Liz, will kick that little gypo’s cunt in’. The announcement was met with delight by ESPN who will host the fight, which will be broadcast live in the main square of European capital cities on the 2nd of August. The fight is billed to start at 0300 GMT and will last for 12 rounds, or as her Maj put it, until McGregor surrenders on behalf of the Irish and the European Union. The Queen, who has been training in secret for the fight, stated that she was well prepared for the ordeal, and had little doubt that she would stop McGregor...

Picture: Matt McClain/The Washington Post via Getty Images Today Mark Zuckerberg confirmed that the AI Prime Minister Theresa May will be redeployed to Myanmar in order to strengthen Facebook’s efforts to ethnically cleanse the country. Zuckerberg, being interviewed at his secret gaff in Oakland, California, gave a rare, candid insight into the Firm’s vision for Myanmar. “When we first began working on the MayBot we had high hopes that she’d be able to ethnically cleanse the poor from Britain, but that project was largely derailed by Brexit. It was designed to focus only on non-whites. If I’m honest, MayBot was never meant to be a prime minister. We at Facebook are very proud of the way that we managed to update her code to meet the needs of our users. Obviously we had to greatly expand the scope of the project which was initially simply to make Britain a more hostile environment for homegrown and Commonwealth paupers.” When pushed for answers as to how MayBot would be used...

The Washington Post/Getty Images In a succession of tweets, sent from a late night dive bar in New York, Donald Trump resigned his position as President of the United States with immediate effect. It is understood that DT stepped down after being challenged by a drunken hooker to come to a logical conclusion on his own position regarding the four congresswomen known as ‘The Squad’. In the tweets Mr Trump confessed that he had never considered that he himself was born to immigrant parents. Donald thumbed the messages before going on to start a backroom brawl with the prostitute after she claimed that he had not signed their non-disclosure agreement. “That sonnovabitch, he just tried to haul ass out of there” said Latisha Candy, a large African American woman from the Bronx (the child of US born parents). “I thought hell no! I smacked that candy ass bitch right there in the bar!” Ms Candy revealed that she had never taken any classes in basic logic, but said that the...